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Account of Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder - Anonymous

The first time I was in hospital I was both manic and suicidal which meant I was very disruptive in the private hospital therapy groups. We had four hours of therapy a day and I could barely concentrate as I was so unwell and I barely remember my time in there. I couldn't even concentrate on films other patients were watching.

The next time I was in hospital it was after being raped for the first time and it was that which drove me to almost jump in front of a train as I could not face what had happened to me. I couldn't stop crying for two whole weeks, was still suicidal and refused to let my father visit me as I was such a state.

I almost attempted suicide in the hospital after my cry for help was ignored and it was then that I changed to another private hospital. This hospital was great as it provided creative therapy and CBT and exercise.

In this hospital I was mainly treated for mania as I was fast talking for almost two months and nothing would calm me down.

The next time I was in hospital was in an NHS facility after a suicide attempt by overdose. I hated it there and there was absolutely no therapy whatsoever; all it provided was a safe place with nurses and psychiatrists.

After a week I lied to them and told them I was well enough to leave when in reality I wasn't just because I hated it there that much.

Four months later I attempted suicide by overdose again after my psychologist told me I couldn't do a year abroad. The NHS did absolutely nothing to help me and two days later I felt like I had two weeks to live and I was thinking of a much more serious suicide method so I told my private psychiatrist and she got me admitted.

With regards to mania and hypersexuality I have been called a serial dater and a female player by people and I have a history of open relationships and dating a lot of people at once. I have never been in a relationship and I have a tendency to get addicted to dating apps such as tinder whilst manic and go on lots of dates and hook up with people during these times.

I was in love once but I was manic at the time so it is hard to tell if I was really in love or that the mania just heightened my emotions. Or maybe that I will only ever find a love that intense again if I go off my meds again and get manic at the time.

I am rarely ever stable for a long time but when I am I miss the mania and turn to other things to get the thrills I get from mania.

I have never turned down drugs offered to me and I can honestly say that because of my personality and because of what I've been through with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder and my rapes that I would probably try all drugs even heroin.

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