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My Invisible Disability - John Carpenter

Kind eyes for

the blind man

whose disability,


can be seen;

but not so mine.

I look like someone

who judges and is judged;

who can compete;

for the money,

for the food,

even for the air.

No kind eyes for me,

nor dark glasses;

no white cane,

no loyal labrador

to lead me through

the needle-sharp icicles

of my frozen self-esteem.

Until I break and fall and

lose the will to live;

then it’s: Oh My Dear! and

Why didn’t you say something?

One day, it may be just too late.

I may fall upon my icy blade,

imagining bowed heads

under black umbrellas;

watching a blind man

wailing in the rain:

Why? Oh why?

Oh why?


"Like most people, I have personal experiences around depression, bi-polar disorder, attempted suicide and, sadly, suicide.

I have also watched, almost with disbelief, at how behaviour 'disorders' are suppressed or dealt with through brutal psycho-pharmaceutic regimes.

I can offer no solutions. I empathise with those whose relatives develop behaviour patterns that disrupt or even endanger. In most cases resources are severely limited and individuals end up between a rock and a hard place.

I would say, it's hopeless, if not for the resources that I've discovered inside myself. Resources, I feel strongly, that are available to every human being and that's the point of view I wanted to speak from. A human being who, by good fortune, has been able to choose 'light' over 'darkness' and while, not trying to make excuses for inexcusable acts, acknowledges the connection he has with all other human beings, no matter how far from 'sanity' they may have strayed.

It is all too easy to draw an imaginary line between myself and those who are tormented by their own demons, their inner darkness. But that imaginary line serves no purpose other than to move me a little further away from the reality that we all, like it not, believe it or not, share one world; and this world, if I am honest, is in a sorry state.

If I deny the reality that we human beings, are all inter connected, I'm deluded and in my delusion I will look for convenient scapegoats. I would like to bring this common delusion out of the shadows and have people look at it, honestly. Is this altruistic? Not really. You see if we all stopped looking for scapegoats there is far less chance of me being scapegoated by others, too."

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