Someone who touches me gently and cares how I feel
Who believes I m not being a drama queen;
knows my fears are real
Who can be with me for months without expecting anything
However horny I get
But know that I'll perceive it as him not wanting me
Not loving, but reject
- ing
And bing, all those abandonment feelings come back
I know I m being unreasonable
But it's like it's beyond my control
I just want to curl up and crawl into my dirty, seedy little hole
Then I'll never have to deal with this - the nightmare of human connection
Abandonment I can deal with; love is harder than rejection
I wish I was beautiful
I wish I could be loved
My body is disgustingly flabby
Why would I share it with anyone
Why do I think looks are all I have to offer?
And i don’t even have that
Empty inside, like my soul is just a gap
Then I think about girls names - like Nyla, or Saoirse or Evie
Exposing myself superficially
Vulnerability and committing is not easy
So what should I do ?
Get to the truth and the depth of the pain
be honest with a partner
Confront the shame, self doubt and blame
Wondering if I'll ever have a sex life
When my life is, ironically, completely fucked
And being able to appreciate the good without fear of it being taken
It s not mine
Life is pot luck
Envisioning what happy could look like
Idealising taking a dog for long walks and fresh country air
I'd feel normal,
not a vile creature worthy of a stare
Love, soulmates, that connection, that vibe
I'd say I don t want these things
But if my heart, not my head, could be the guide..
Denial of desire is still a problem though,
in my oh so self sufficient and not so successful life
I'm ‘Independent to the core ‘ of course
Running ;
Could never be anyone's wife
I m confused and I contradict myself
But there is one thing I truly know
With sex I'd want to feel I have the power
To feel I'm in control
mid way through or near the point of his wham bam or woo hoo
My feelings matter and I'm in this relationship too
To clarify, No judgement and complete understanding
An Immediate end when I say stop and no discussing it first
No emotional blackmail, no carrying on when it hurts
Reflecting my self loathing in decisions
It's over and I'm never doing it again
I want someone looking in my eyes and making love to me
As my heart starts to mend
"I am still working through all of this. Wanting to expose my feelings and fears, only so that others don’t feel so alone"