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Wishing to Want (Trigger Warning) - Louise

Someone who touches me gently and cares how I feel

Who believes I m not being a drama queen;

knows my fears are real

Who can be with me for months without expecting anything

However horny I get

But know that I'll perceive it as him not wanting me

Not loving, but reject

- ing

And bing, all those abandonment feelings come back

I know I m being unreasonable

But it's like it's beyond my control

I just want to curl up and crawl into my dirty, seedy little hole

Then I'll never have to deal with this - the nightmare of human connection

Abandonment I can deal with; love is harder than rejection

I wish I was beautiful

I wish I could be loved

My body is disgustingly flabby

Why would I share it with anyone

Why do I think looks are all I have to offer?

And i don’t even have that

Empty inside, like my soul is just a gap

Then I think about girls names - like Nyla, or Saoirse or Evie

Exposing myself superficially

Vulnerability and committing is not easy

So what should I do ?

Get to the truth and the depth of the pain

be honest with a partner

Confront the shame, self doubt and blame

Wondering if I'll ever have a sex life

When my life is, ironically, completely fucked

And being able to appreciate the good without fear of it being taken

It s not mine

Life is pot luck

Envisioning what happy could look like

Idealising taking a dog for long walks and fresh country air

I'd feel normal,

not a vile creature worthy of a stare

Love, soulmates, that connection, that vibe

I'd say I don t want these things

But if my heart, not my head, could be the guide..

Denial of desire is still a problem though,

in my oh so self sufficient and not so successful life

I'm ‘Independent to the core ‘ of course

Running ;

Could never be anyone's wife

I m confused and I contradict myself

But there is one thing I truly know

With sex I'd want to feel I have the power

To feel I'm in control

mid way through or near the point of his wham bam or woo hoo

My feelings matter and I'm in this relationship too

To clarify, No judgement and complete understanding

An Immediate end when I say stop and no discussing it first

No emotional blackmail, no carrying on when it hurts

Reflecting my self loathing in decisions

It's over and I'm never doing it again

I want someone looking in my eyes and making love to me

As my heart starts to mend


"I am still working through all of this. Wanting to expose my feelings and fears, only so that others don’t feel so alone"

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