Thought I was impossible to love
Demonised when my only way to cope was to shed blood
People told me that they cared but they showed me otherwise
A Diagnosis a number vilified and demonised
For so many years placed faith in no one that I met
Avoid emotional investment saw each person as a threat
Can’t get up out of bed my life is devastated
Curtains remain closed my dreams obliterated
Undescribable pain in my heart and in my mind
Barely able to function despite the drugs I am prescribed
My mind so over occupied sometimes forget to breathe
Is the hurt scribed across my face possible to read
When the darkness descends I create distance from my friends
Life becomes a battle in which I cannot contend
The actions I displayed during my times of desperation
Often meant by so many with judgement and condemnation
Thunder crashing lightning flashing in my mind throughout the day
Trapped in a world of emotions that I struggle to convey
I trusted nobody whilst trusting everyone
Fixed in my heart then suddenly you’re gone
In search of love and care from someone who is genuine
A bond that is formed on attributes beneath the skin
I explain my apathy whilst they assess my risk
My suicidal thoughts and intentions are dismissed
Which direction for me next? Exhausted all that they suggest
A simple request for help becomes a desperate protest
I want that answer, that fix that I know does not exist
50 simultaneous voices bellow in my head
To move my limbs like hauling lead
Surrounded by irritants
Disregard or compliments
Plagued with guilt for my feelings
For my self-inflicted bleeding
Relationships appear fractured though for nobody else
Can any more confusion be caused by my mental health?
At the age of 16 I was registered blind then at the age of 22 I was diagnosed with emotionally unstable personality disorder.
Now 28, I have struggled to manage my mental health since my diagnosis. Self harm has been a frequent behaviour in particular over the last couple of years. Intensifying during times of increased stress. Many of my wounds have required hospital attention to close. My eyesight had almost completely gone by about two years ago. Combining my mental health and sight loss increased my isolation and depression became more severe. I was repeatedly admitted to psychiatric hospitals but with limited control of my mental health regained consequently this led to numerous suicide attempts
Over the years I have found writing poetry has helped me to express my feelings and helped to improve my confidence. I now live in rehabilitation facility for mental health and have recently returned to volunteering for the first time in about four years. The poetry that I write is something that I would like to use to help other people who may have had similar experiences.