"I don’t know how I am still alive today after feeling the most unbearable amount of pain in my heart that night, or the other nights before that. Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) makes every emotion feel 100 times more intense that it can lead to inappropriate outburst of anger, impulsive behaviour, and self-harm tendency. I painted “Agony” overnight. It started when not long before that, I was extremely shocked and heart-broken with the fact that the person I trust and love most turns out doing a very fatal mistake that has triggered my deepest, biggest, most agonising trauma. The very reason why I suffer from the disorder itself. Every day feels like my world is ending over and over again.
It was almost a month after the tragedy. My soul was truly broken. My mind keeps torturing me, making me restless, won’t stop and can’t stop racing. It felt like my mind was being switched on and off every 1 second. My thinking was black & white, struggling every second just to consider whether I should stay or leave. And I couldn’t find the answer. It was an endless spiral of negative thoughts that keeps pulling me down under. It disintegrated me.
Yet as weeks passed by, in the middle of unbelievable depressive and explosive episodes, I took the time to rest to think and self-reflect. I saw an imperfect human in the mirror and she was me. I hurt the ones that I love most too. With my unpredictable episodes, whenever I have one, I push them away, I stab them, I spit on them, I sucked their energy, I take too much of their time to calm myself down.
And that’s when I was FINALLY willing to forgive. To start again. To give another chance. To apologise too. To learn not to kill a person for one mistake that they truly felt sorry for. Even though it kills me every single day, even though I bled, in so much pain, excruciated, I must let it go. I must let love in. That’s the simplest yet the most impossible thing I can do to save myself. I did it anyway.
Agony is the most heart-breaking and emotional painting I’ve ever made. One of the heaviest times in my life. A life long lesson, extremely painful process."
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