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Bipolar disorder

Karthik Aital


"During my teenage years, though never addicted to any, I had almost tried 'every drug' on earth. My best friends fondly call me 'Miss cocaine-marijuana', comparing my 'fluctuating mood' to the high you get, from these 'completely opposite' drugs. During my 'mania', I feel as though I have 'snorted coke'. The feeling is such that I have 'grandiose delusions', I feel I am the 'queen of universe'. I set so many 'unrealistic goals' for myself and I am also convinced that I would surely achieve them.

My decisions then are so 'impulsive' that I don't care about its consequences. I feel 'limitless' and I get the feeling as though I am portraying 'Bradley cooper in the movie limitless, who abuses NZT'. I feel I shouldn't be wasting my time sleeping and be 'productive for myself and the world' and I sleep so much less than the 'prescribed normal sleep for a healthy individual'. Worst part is, 'Sometimes I get Hypersexual' and don't mind 'grabbing a well shaped man-ass in public' or 'playfully invite a handsome stranger to my bed'.

What I don't like about myself Is the 'depression phase' which 'eclipses my mania'. I 'cry' for hours over the 'mistakes I made' and the 'mistakes I am not responsible for' but for the collective human guilt. I get 'grumpy' over everyone for no apparent reasons, I 'feel hopeless' about the fights I pick up and be ridden with the excessive guilt for hours and days and be sad for it. I feel no appetite for food, being a foodie ; and no appetite for sex even being a connoisseur of 'romance and male beauty'.

I feel useless about myself and bored about the 'things that I once used to enjoy'. I can't concentrate on anything or 'enjoy any aspect of life'. Everything feels fragile and is on the verge of destruction. I wonder who would understand me, for which I don't understand myself...I don't even know what I am and what I want..."

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