How strange it is when instinct falls asleep, when intuition is drowned, when desire does not work. And stranger it is when it suddenly appears, after centuries of absence, and one cannot even recognise what is happening.
Spontaneity. That concept had been exiled from this mind and from this body. But then out of nowhere, my skin and the grey sea were magnets that couldn't resist each other.
The threatening rain clouds encouraged them to touch each other.
I wanted to leave it for tomorrow, to plan it, and go prepared.
- And why not today, why not now, if now is when the desire is alive?
- a voice responded.
I think it was my voice. But a new one.
Before my mind could be hijacked and my body possessed, I took off my leather boots, my socks, my black skirt, and that Huge t-shirt that had Debbie Harry's face stamped on it.
I was now covered only by a tiny black lace underwear set.
- So what? –
And so I timidly immersed myself, first only up to the waist, into the calmest sea I had ever seen.
Complete silence surrounded me, and water showed compassion for me
staying absolutely still.
And there I was left unable to believe where I was and not knowing what to do with my body. I contemplated the emptiness around me, I started hesitating, analysing the pros and cons, but again, that voice...
- SO WHAT? –
I closed my eyes and submerged completely.
The pressure that the water put on me gave me security and adrenaline at the same time; my hair swayed at the mercy of the current, and I felt electricity on my skin; a half smile formed on my face as my heart accelerated its beating.
I took my head out of the water to catch my breath, feeling on edge,
but also calmer than ever.
- What is this? –
I repeated the ritual.
Emotions flooded me as much as water.
- I don't know what this is –
Instinct feels too new, intuition unprecedented, desire unrecognisable.
Perhaps this is spontaneity. Perhaps this is feeling that one's body functions and not only is.
I forgot the time and its numbers. Simply when it was enough, I retired from the ocean, just to sit for a minute on the sand and contemplate it. And contemplate me.
I was confused, stunned, and in ecstasy; yes, in ecstasy because I felt the desire to go into the sea, in ecstasy because I followed the desire, in ecstasy because I enjoyed it and in ecstasy because I was there,
living it.
'Desire' is from a collection of short stories about living again.