Rate my life. I'm depressed. - Andrew Leake

A long, long time ago I can still remember.


That’s how it all started. At least for now. At least for the time being.


It was a cold day today. I went to the park and let the sunshine bathe me. It felt good and I felt refreshed. What followed was another day of disappointment. But this is the usual, it is normality for me. So many times I have felt betrayed by the nuances of life that I would cry into my handkerchief. I haven’t felt whole for a very long time.


When you have nothing to lose then there is nothing to gain. The amount of people who have fallen for the charm of the woods by the motorway goes into hundreds. They have all paid the price. Sometime we lay idly in peace and other times we just observe the panic of the rustle of the leaves as they fall to the ground looking for a new permanent home. But the cold ground will never be their home. The leaves will get pushed on by the wind and then it will be winter when the icy surface will cover all pavements which people with bad balance will fall prey to. The point is that the seasons will always change. Your predicament never will. You’ll just continue to approach nothing. And nothing feels terrible and cold.


If you tried to capture the mood of every living person you wouldn’t get very far. There are simply far too many moods and dialects that run amok the people of this world. Sentences have no meaning any longer. I am lost. I am always lost. Help. I need to lie down. Get the nurse. She knows of my predicament. She will nurse me back to normality. I pray for a better day. The wind taps on my window, the homeless people stare at me in an accusatory way on the street. The priest points to me when he mentions evil in this world whilst reciting lines from the Bible which is glued to his right waist. He is never without his Bible. If only he knew that he was heading straight to Hell alongside his beliefs which are based around nothingness.


I fall quiet. There is a nothingness in my brain. I am scared of course but life is a terrible thing and it is something that you get used to. We all suffer in our own way but my suffering feels worse although things have been getting better. But what is better? Tell me one thing please, how do I get home? Where do I belong? Is it among the rubbish disposed of in the street that the garbage men will collect the next morning and pay no attention to or is it among the greats of this world like my science teacher Mr Brolly and my Woodwork teacher Mr Hunter. They were the real greats. I would have walked through fire for them.


Insults don’t hurt me. But the sound of nothingness persists. It haunts my dreams and follows me around like a black dog. When I look at the wall I see the shadow of a black dog. It howls at me and I punch it but there is nothing there. There is only now a broken hand and a dent in the wall. I wish the black dog would leave me alone but I can’t hush it away. I suppose I will see it in my nightmare. This is something you get used to over time.

They say that we all deserve happiness. What happiness is that? What is happiness? I don’t believe in it. I think I’m a terrible person. I have qualities that may allow me to be successful but I don’t care about success. But what if I’m depressed? Then I’m unhappy. Then what is happiness? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll watch a youtube video and it’ll awaken my spirits and put me in a good mood. Snap out of it dude! You’re just faking it!


So many times during the day I feel anger rushing through my veins. I look at faces and I don’t recognise emotions or traits. I feel alone. I feel like punching a pregnant woman in her stomach with the power of a thousand suns. I am tired of being told who I am. I don’t care about you. I could kill you and destroy everything you believe in. I am better than you and I am stronger than you. But what is the point? There is no point. No-one told you about that though.


I look at the simple couple from Simpleville sipping on their simple drinks holding hands walking through the park towards their simple home. I want to be like that. I don’t want to think anymore. It hurts my brain to think. Why do I keep thinking about shotguns and pointing them towards my temple? I think I’ve lost my mind. Or have I?


I despise life in its every form, in its every meaning and I despise how everything works. I despise spineless leaders, weak people and idiots. I wish I could dispose of them and get rid of them. But I am one guy. I am not going to be starting a revolution any time soon. I would rather sit in the hut I built and get jealous of everyone around me. I am difficult didn’t you know? I’m an asshole, a terrible person, I don’t fit in anywhere, my sense of humour is strange and I’m destined to sit out the rest of my life because I’m different! But that’s fine right? Who cares? The world goes on and keeps revolving. People are born and people die. Disease spreads, marriages are broken, expectations are unfulfilled nobody cares. 90% of the population should be exterminated. There are too many worthless people in this world.


Fuck politics. Fuck the system. Fuck bureaucracy. The people have the power. Fuck you and your ideals they will never come true. You’re ill-informed! Get in line! Fuck everything. I’m unhappy. But what is happiness. It isn’t not seeing anyone laying next to you when you wake in the morning.


Emojis suck. Instagram sucks. People suck. I suck.


"30 years old. Originally from Ukraine. Finding himself for the entirety of his life. Writing to help find meaning in life. Taking each day as it comes. Enjoying himself and living in the moment. Appreciating the beauty of life despite the hardships that we all come across."


#Depression #Mania #Stigma #Isolation



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Perspective Project | United Kingdom