I thought I was calm, but I was an enemy to myself. Negative emotions, which I hide, destroy me and take away all forces.
My self-harm is to punish myself with food, temperature and pain because of walking. I can not punish myself openly. When others humiliate me, I laugh or keep quiet. I can not protect myself, because of this, then I feel bad.
If I said that I do not like this attitude, if I asked to stop, I would not think about the bad all the time and would not eat myself. I do not want to live when I can not control myself and when negative emotions are raging within me. But this state does not stop with the childhood, that's why I've been hating myself for 16 years (from 8 y.o) and I want to die.