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The Anxiety Eclipse - Amanda Marriott

Hello three sweetie how's your day going? Well? Oh that's no good let me unpick that for you. I am sure I can find something for you to worry about.

I bet you didn't turn off the cooker, straighteners or put your hand break on. Well did you? Of course you can't be sure. Don't ignore me you will be sorry if you do!

Text a friend to say hi. She not text you back? Course she hasn't she's probably fell out with you. You know you've not doubt done something to upset her. After all your a bad person.

Whats gonna go wrong today count to 3 or you will see! Touch your hair 3 times. Not 2 or 4 just 3. Crap i've touched it again. Go back to the beginning. 123, 123, 123.

Are you tired yet? Had enough? World will be better without your complex dramatic mind.

What you gonna do about it? Step out, go on it will be over in no time!

No, no, no I won't. Guess what mind your broken but you can be fixed. Off to the doctors we go.

I'm nervous my mouth is dry what will they think of me? Loon, attention seeker, needy, psycho.

Relief he understands he didn't judge me he wants to help. He sees me and my illness. He sees I have an illness.

Chat, chat, chat, talk, talk, talk. I have people who really understand. The meds are taking the scream away.

Days can be hard but now I have light again in my life. I have hope. The full eclipse never fully happens anymore. There is always light.


Hi my name is Amanda I am 42. 5 years ago I had a physical and nervous breakdown down. It was one of the most scary times of my life. Looking back i have always had problems with anxiety and compulsive behaviours however I never saw it as a problem. Growing up i would ritually say goodnight to my dad 3 times or I was convinced something bad would happen to him. I had other rituals also.

As I got older and had my own family it was just part of life in thought. Checking my baby over and over to see he was okay. I thought all parents did it. Years went by then 5 years ago I started to really become obsessed with certain rituals etc.... if I drove and hit the kerb I would be convinced I had knocked someone over.

At one point I was so obsessed I told my husband I had hit someone with my car but of course I hadn't. Reality was very quickly becoming blurred with my illness. Eventually I just sort of went into a state of quiet I just stopped speaking. I had involuntary tics. My husband rang an ambulance. I had head scans etc but nothing organic was found.

They decided I had had a physical and mental breakdown. After this I got the help I needed. I still have off days but not like it used to be. Things are calmer now and if I feel I am not managing my illness I go straight back to my GP. There is light at the end of that very dark tunnel. I am living proof. It's not perfect but I am living now not just living from one crisis to another. The sun shines now.

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