It's hard when your biggest enemy is your own reflection.
It's hard when you hate yourself for craving protection.
For someone to relieve you of the constant low,
Someone to remove the fear of rejection.
But no one has armour to save me from my mind,
To save me from feeling disposable inside.
To stop me saying "why? Just why are you you?"
"Why cant you care less about the people you do?"
"How do you love so much yet can turn so cold?
"Why can't you soften like other girls do?"
"Just stop feeling so much pain, so much grief,
So much love, so much fear, it just makes people leave".
But why does loving so hard push them further away?
Why does my passion not make people stay?
"Suffering with a mental health condition that taints your thoughts, feelings and actions to such an extent they become so far from and opposing to those of the "you" you know yourself to be. This is one of the most exhausting, combative and relentless tasks to endure. I am not a poet or a writer, just another person, a director if you will, battling through the next scene of a movie I often feel I have no control in directing.
Written when I was at my wits end, victim to the endless needs and insecurities of my anxieties, this is a small reflection on my inner conflict. The conflict between who I know I am and who my overpowering anxieties portray and influence me to be.
Whether its general anxiety disorder, separation anxiety, low self-esteem and social anxiety like myself or BPD, Bipolar, Depression or otherwise, I feel a lot of people, each a warrior in their own battle, could relate to this inner emotional rivalry, that lots of us contest with silently every day.
You are not alone."