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Live Episode - Sophia Vahdati

Shiver across a body

A toss and turn

A parasitical worm.

Yawn inside a tired

Mind and sleepless

Eyes, shut them.

Hide inside a hive

Of thought-bees

-honey-dreams and nightmares.

Climb above the blood

And shit, we're more than this

The soul is more.

Grimace because the furnace

Is the perfect size for a head,

Better off, better off, better off, better off

Alive than dead, alive than-

Hurtle through dead-lands

Whispered reality-deserts

Desert lies.

What if there's nothing?

If there's no reason?

No meaning to stay?

No answer to why?

No, I know.

I know that no is the only response

To sudden, hurtling off-route,

An invitation off-piste.

I must, I must remember music,

Lights and memories but

That voice

who is it?

Who, who, who

Was that, is this...

Matter over mind over climb over stomach

I want to vomit life juice.

The beetle crawls across a rotten apple

And all I think of is that blue vial, purple potion bottle

It holds the key: the dream river I keep at bay

The dam is down and there's nowhere for it to stay

Why did I open the trunk?

I should have left it locked

But salt and regret and something that I can't name

The nameless vacuous hole

The void that can only be described as a lack of

But the lacking has a presence and it's purple

And I don't have words for it

But for a nothing it screams so loud

It weighs so much

It laughs at my woe and tickles me hysterically...

Understandably; I writhe in pain.

Now it's leaving.

It doesn't slam the door.

It fades into air,

I blink tears away,

And start to feel as before.

Lick dry lips.

Wipe eyes with jumper sleeve.

Zone in to audiobook again.

Deep breath, no lead in chest.

Neck untenses, I didn't realise I was straining.

Colours and shapes are familiar and make sense, now.

I didn't realise I was blind.

Thank god,

Survived once more,

I'm almost alright again now,

Im sure, I'm sure, I'm sure, I'm sure.


I wrote this on my phone as I lay in my bed in the middle of the day feeling completely overwhelmed with emotion and a sense of doom and despair. Nothing particularly bad had happened but I felt a heavy weight dragging me down and a very real pain that was like iron hands squeezing my heart and punching me in the chest. I decided that I'd document exactly how I was feeling every few minutes of this 'episode' and this poem is exactly what came from that. A glimpse into the darkness and pain of my mind during these short but scary depressive episodes."

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