Oh dear, it must be that familiar time When I promise that I will finally shine. Crafting the potential that lies within And turning it into my eternal win.
Words of this effect have been said before So much so, that I have become a bore. To family and friends: “I will surely change” My loser ways will now be out of range.
The worst is that’s not what hurts the most But my behaviour still remains so close. Giving permission to dose up good Before flying off to where I once stood.
This little trap is not quite the manoeuvre For rising up out of the pit of a loser Because you just end up having more Where you’re so ‘fat’ that you’re glued to the floor.
Funny thing is I always end up worse For forever trying to break this curse. If I could finally accept this is who I am And not the poser with the ‘master plan’.
Maybe I could find my elusive peace Free from life’s dazzling almighty caprice. Suffering no fools, and not acting a clown All I want, is to put the bloody ‘burger’ down.
"My experiences with mental health have at times been turbulent: getting diagnosed with acute transient psychotic disorder at age 15 was not what I had planned. Denial and resisting the mental health system came next, especially the antipsychotic medication that they said would help soothe my fractured mind. They didn’t soothe it, but inducing a chemical lobotomy springs to mind.
Ten years down the line (with appearances to the mental health system being sporadic in nature during this time) I was diagnosed with manic depression / bipolar. I thought nothing more of it. Until three months later I found myself incarcerated in a mental health ward due to psychotic delusions, hallucinations, and just generally being unwell – obviously. Looking back on that time I can see the beauty that occasionally happened whilst experiencing a little slice of hell, from the people I met, to the situations that arose. Laughing at myself for the ridiculousness of my ideas and actions for that time was the best medicine to help assimilate them in a positive manner. I will remember them forever, with a smile now emanating from my face.
I don’t feel haunted particularly by my experiences anymore; although they can still colour certain areas of my life. I also attribute that to being in a good place at the moment; come ask me when in the jaws of the beast and I bet my answer coincidently changes! But for now, I try and look at my condition as something not to battle and exterminate from my being; I am, for better or worse, married to it. My ambition is to learn more about the deeper aspects of myself, and to one day, befriend my darker side.
That is one of the reasons I like to write poetry and stories. Writing can act as a conduit to the unconscious parts of my mind, better enabling me to understand myself, and the world for that matter."