Esme ('House' my Friend Visits) - Felix Baird

It was always me and Esme against the world

From when we were young, when we danced and twirled.

How easy life was back when we were young

So care free and having the best of fun.


At school the other girls did not like you

Forever hiding yourself like you had the flu.

A hard, but shy, and introverted case

You’d never back down to even save face.


I tried to include you in our group’s affairs

You’d rage, throw a fit, to which you’d declare:

“It was always me and you against the world

Why are you leaving me for other girls?”


“I’m not leaving you, I am just branching out

What has happened to cause all this self-doubt?

I’d never leave you, we’ve been friends forever

Embracing the storm no matter the weather.”


Fast forward ten years with me living alone

I still see Esme despite her harsh tone.

She storms around my house making a fuss

Shattering my confidence to a dust.


Making a mess, even insulting me

She knows the real stuff; been friends since we were three.

Many friends ask why I put up with her

Cause I owe her my weight in gold and silver.


She was always there when I felt so alone

Always rescuing me and guiding me home.

Still my friends can’t understand all this now

How she treats me like shit; breaking her vow.


I guess me and her will always be close

Sense-linked together through light and shadows.

My mind returns along with the true me

Remembering my name is also Esme!


Here we are again, together at last

The nostalgia’s strong when recanting the past.

Embracing the future in which we’ll be hurled

Side by side, as it’s us against the world.



"This poem is about your inner voice which we dissociate ourselves from and treating it as a separate entity.


My experiences with mental health have at times been turbulent: getting diagnosed with acute transient psychotic disorder at age 15 was not what I had planned. Denial and resisting the mental health system came next, especially the anti-psychotic medication that they said would help sooth my fractured mind. They didn’t sooth it, but inducing a chemical lobotomy springs to mind.


Ten years down the line (with appearances to the mental health system being sporadic in nature during this time) I was diagnosed with manic depression / bipolar. I thought nothing more of it. Until three months later I found myself incarcerated in a mental health ward due to psychotic delusions, hallucinations, and just generally being unwell – obviously. Looking back on that time I can see the beauty that occasionally happened whilst experiencing a little slice of hell, from the people I met, to the situations that arose. Laughing at myself for the ridiculousness of my ideas and actions for that time was the best medicine to help assimilate them in a positive manner. I will remember them forever, with a smile now emanating from my face.


I don’t feel haunted particularly by my experiences anymore; although they can still colour certain areas of my life. I also attribute that to being in a good place at the moment; come ask me when in the jaws of the beast and I bet my answer coincidentally changes! But for now, I try and look at my condition as something not to battle and exterminate from my being; I am, for better or worse, married to it. My ambition is to learn more about the deeper aspects of myself, and to one day, befriend my darker side.


That is one of the reasons I like to write poetry and stories. Writing can act as a conduit to the unconscious parts of my mind, better enabling me to understand myself, and the world for that matter."


#Depression #Bipolar #Psychosis #Medication #Dissociation

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Perspective Project | United Kingdom